I am Ok.

The natural response to the question, "How are you?" is "Good." I know this because I work in the service industry where I ask about 100 people that every day. Their response is the same. They then, in turn, ask me how I'm doing. I pause. I think about my next words very carefully. I have no desire to simply respond "Good" and go on to the next person. But answering honestly with "Well, I'm really depressed... I feel like I'm drowning. Thank you for asking, is this your first time at Blueprint?"...might make things a bit awkward. 


The past few years I've discovered that I have been having a pretty intense battle with depression.  I've had some days (weeks) when hopelessness would completely and utterly take over me. When all I could think about was my overwhelming sadness. I felt lost. I felt broken and I didn't know what the cause was. I received no enjoyment from life, only a small subsiding of sadness. Crying sometimes helped, but it's very inconvenient when you work 56 hours a week and your crying time gets pushed back into one 5 hour segment of uncontrollable sobbing. It also worries your boyfriend and your parents a bit. 

I can't say that I'm entirely on the other side of this, but I've realized that the voices that have been telling me to doubt myself, to doubt my worth, to doubt my purpose; the voices that have been draining me of all hope, of all dreams, of all passion...have not been voice of the Holy Spirit, my Comforter. 
It took a long time, but I came to understand that these voices and thoughts were not my own or of those I love. I have been knocked down countless times, but I am not destroyed. I have been drained of all strength at times, but I am not overcome. I will slip and I will fall, but I will rise. 
He is the strength of my heart and my portion. He is my protector and the One who fights for me and with me. He trains my hands for battle and fortifies my knees. His purpose for me will not be undone. Amen. 

This struggle has left me unable to talk to you. I've been unable to reach out to you. I've not been able to text you back, to return your call (or answer in the first place), to hang out when I know I should, or to love you as I've been wanting to. 
Thank you for loving me and for pursuing me. 
Right now I'm sitting in a laundromat looking through the super clean windows at the trees, the sun, my car, the blue sky... I'm listening to The Tribe of Benjamin's rendition of 'Your Love is Extravagant' and writing this post to let you that I'm okay. And with the Grace and Faithfulness of God, I will be better than Ok. 

Suh dude. 

This picture is one of my all time favorites...
but it has nothing to do with this post.
 I just like having pictures to go along with things...
Taken by my hot home-boy, Wesley

The struggle is real

I cried. Hard. First on Danielle's  shoulder, and two days later on my bed with Tanya and then seconds later with Cassie.
Second semester started with Tanya crying on my lap. And Cassie is one of the only people I would feel less awkward crying around.
Why did I cry? Because I was sad. About what?
My year is over. No more worship in the Audi. No more back 40 or secret garden, or side woods or walking with Laura. No more watching old movies and having deep conversations and Friday night bible studies with Wesley and Franny. No more looking at the stars with Mikaela when we have our 'get our friendship back on track' talks. No more swinging in a hammock serenading passersby with Juju. No more meal meetings. No more of Edgar's hugs or Jordan's jokes. No more hearing Sarah practice the guitar or Colette telling me what's going on around campus. No more seeing my amazing brother core and just feeling so incredibly proud of them. No more of Daltons accent or Lamonts humor. No more of Nelson and I's Legend of Korra dates, no more of seeing Chris and his bod sing incredible worship to the Lord. No more. No more. None. Man. That is so hard for me to handle. Lord give me Grace.

That was a journal entry from August sixth two thousand and fourteen. That was 414 days since I moved to Texas. That was the best year, one month and 19 days of my life. I didn't know that at the time of course, but I suppose you never know it at the time.

That was long ago...

There's a roller coaster called the "Mr Freeze reverse" at Six Flags over Texas. On this thrill ride, you're shot out backwards into a dark tunnel and have no idea what comes next. Suddenly you're twirled upside down, thrown side to side jerked upwards, shot downwards and eventually you're pulled up and held at a tall point that can be seen from anywhere in the park. 

Since graduating the Honor Academy 52 days ago, my life has been the previous paragraph. I have no idea what happens next. I honestly don't know why the Lord has brought me here. Looking around at the people on this ride with me (my teammates), honestly makes me feel like I might not even belong. I love my fellow riders immensely, but you know how there's always that one person who's slightly out of place? Hi, that's me... Or maybe we're all the awkward out of place ones (Shhh...)

At the Honor Academy, you're constantly being poured into, constantly seeking the Lord, and constantly having accountability. I was in a spiritual oasis where goodness was spoon fed into my mouth. That is not so now. 

Honestly, I just miss Jesus. He's still here, but now I realize how people can go for weeks without a quiet time after leaving the HA. I've had my quiet times, but instead of being at the lake resort lounging in the water of life, I feel as though I'm in the desert. 

I'm dehydrated, I'm tired, I'm empty, I'm in the place of not knowing where I'm going but being on the roller coaster all the same.  The worst thing ever is trying to spend time with the Lord but feeling as though he's letting you figure it out on your own. I can't figure it out on my own. I don't know where this coaster is coasting, and I have no way of figuring it out. 

But this I call to mind and therefore I have Hope. 

The Lord is my refuge and my strength; He is my Joy. He is Constant. He is Close. Regardless of how I 'feel'.

While hanging from the tall point on the Mr Freeze, you see the road before you illuminated. Even in the dark, you can look up from the point at the end of the line and see the city lights around you. beautiful. After those few short seconds of stillness, you plummet down on the track and see what you couldn't see before. 

Starting out backwards on the Mr Freeze is one of the most exciting parts. The adventure comes in being thrown upside down but knowing that you're secured safely in your seat and no harm will come to you. 

I am secure. 

"I've got you, my Beloved. Lean on me, not your understanding. My ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts. Are you ready for an adventure?  - Jesus

                                                                                                  

This year I'm touring with Teen Mania's Acquire the Fire youth conferences where the broken-hearts are bound, and the captives are made free. Teen Mania International

The One About Ministry Placement

"My eyes hurt. They're screaming at me to let them close. The four dings of my headset just went off in my ear. Now on to call #18...only 18 calls. By the end of the day I'm supposed to be on call 100. This is going to be a long day. This is one of the days where I hope no one actually picks up the phone. This is one of the days when I long for my computer to have a heart attack just so I won't have to call anymore.
My energy is gone. People want me to stop calling them. That makes two of us."

-My Journal Entry

Every day I make a not so long walk passed the cafe, the auditorium, and the ATF call center. I walk into Mission Control, passed the MOB, and up the stairs. I walk past 20 cubicles until I get to the one on the right at the end of the row. Mine. I know my spinny chair well. I sit in this chair, at this computer, with this headset, for 27 hours every week. I call teenagers, young adults, tweens, and sometimes parents around the continent monday-friday and give them an opportunity to reach their generation with the Gospel, to experience Jesus Christ in a way they never thought possible, to live for something bigger than themselves, to see lives changed by the love of God. I work in Global Expeditions as a Recruitment Representative. Now, my job, in essence, is awesome. But there are some ever changing factors that make it a bit...frustrating.

For example, when someone hangs up on you It's a general rule that we have to call them back and pretend that it was a 'bad connection' (which sometimes it actually is):

"Hey! This is Janelle with Global Expeditions, we were just on the phone, I called back because our call dropped."

"I know. Can you like, not do that?"

"I'm sorry, not do what?"

"Call back."

Ouch. I was taken aback by that. I asked if I could pray for him (something else we have to do) and then swiftly hung up. When I asked him what he wanted prayer for he said 'that this conversation would end sooner'. Ouch again. Some people have been cussed out (just talk to ATF Call Center), yelled at, rejected verbally trampled on... the list goes on. Sometimes I talk to people who would rather die than go on missions, or people who are indifferent towards it. People who would shock you if they told you they were christians, people who think you're selling something and hang up before you can tell them otherwise. It's hard.
But I also get to talk to people like Corey. Corey went on a mission trip last summer and was itching to go on another one. Corey was pretty much one of the coolest people I got to talk to, we're friends on facebook now. Or I talk to people like Landon, who works on a farm all day, has an insanely high IQ, and loves to talk. We talked about rabbits, missions, eagles, Jesus, the army... And on the best days, I get to encourage people like Larke who's having a hard time with family. Larke didn't go on a mission trip, but I got to share the Gospel with her. The same with 16 year old William who told me about how he grew up in an orphanage in Russia. And about how everytime he has a birthday he only thinks about how his birth parents abandoned him. He went to Acquire the Fire and God has been helping him forgive, even the people who abused his girlfriend. I get to talk to 14 year old Josh, who wants to go on a mission trip, but is torn between that and the once in a lifetime opportunity of the advancement of his youtube gaming career (yep. that's a real thing. it's actually a big deal). Or I get to tell Danny that he's not 'just another person'. He was created. He was planned. He's important. He can reach people with the Gospel that I will never be able to; and someones waiting for him.
The best thing that I get to do is preach the Gospel. This is my pulpit. And it eventually reaches nations. From my faithfulness on the phone and telling these people the importance of missions, by painting in their head a picture of this broken world and giving them the opportunity to do something about it, or just by telling them the way that God sees them, or by telling them that they were made for more than what they've been settling for, I see the nations reached.
And sometimes, when God blesses me even more, I get to pray with a parent.
When Ms Dawn answered the phone, she was angry. "What do you want?!" was her response to my very sweet opening. "I don't want to be called ever again. I've told you that a hundred times!"
I apologized profusely and as mandatory closing, asked to pray with her. When I finished she was silent for a bit. Then with her voice cracking she said, 'you have no idea what you just did for me. Thank you. Thank you so much..."
Or praying for a new mom and hearing her say, "Wow. I'm speechless. God has used you so much. Thank you so much. That was beautiful."

That's my job. Listening to Silas stay after hours to share his testimony with a struggling believer. Beautiful. That's why I'm here. In the best of times, in the worst of times. God is so good, even when you call 122 people and only 3 pick up the phone only just to hang up on you. This entire job is worth Tierney texting me right after we get off the phone telling me that 'the entire time you were praying, I just cried.' It's worth it. Just hearing someone change their mind and say, "wow, I really want to go on a trip now. What's the website again? Can you call back tomorrow?"

That is why I'm here.
This what I do. I work for Teen Mania Ministries. Advancing the Gospel through missionaries and to missionaries. I'm an Intern at the Honor Academy and I change the world (that sounds kind of arrogant...my bad).



If you can help me continue my ministry at Teen Mania, please donate to my account at: www.honoracademy.com/donate and enter my intern number '2612849'

Silas Preaching the Gospel

My old Call team

My first day calling! (forgive the duck face)

If you would like to learn more about mission trips, call us! 866-545-6239. globalexpeditions.com

How do you see God?

"How do you see God?" 
Wesley's question came as a surprise. I'd never been asked that before. Thinking about the answer put a smile on my face and forced me to self examine something I forgot was there.
After thinking about it, I finally had my answer. I see God first as a Father. I had a vision in my head of a little girl sitting on a bed in her room. She was crying and frustrated. She's crying because she'd done something wrong, and gotten disciplined for it. But she didn't understand why she had gotten in trouble.
So as the frustrations washed over her face, her loving father sat next to his emotional daughter and calmed her troubles. He explained what she had done and reassured her of his love and comfort.
I see God as a comforter, a best friend, the greatest father that ever lived.

When I returned the question to Wesley, he told me about times in his life where God made himself known.
"I felt free. I didn't know what from, I just felt free."
The true freedom Jesus gives is unknown to most christians. The freedom from sin, the freedom from caring about what others think, the freedom to live radically for the only thing that matters, the freedom to dance, run, jump and yell before the throne of God, the freedom that comes with knowing your purpose, and the freedom from strongholds in your life.
Jesus came to give us an abundant life. Jesus came and died just so we can be with him. Jesus wants us to experience Heaven on earth. The kingdom of heaven is near, so near that God wants us to be living in it daily.

Experience Freedom.
Experience your Father.

Wesley Butler and I (his name is best said with British accent).

Identity Crisis

I've been having an identity crisis. This new semester at the Honor Academy came with many changes. Some are really hard to deal with, like one of my brothers leaving. Some are good, like having new classes and new interns on campus. Some are going to be interesting, like getting new core sisters. But all are for God's glory. This new semester has already brought tears, and feelings, and frustrations in me and out of me. But then the wise words of Chloe begin turning in my mind and slowly make their way to my heart, "It's ok to be emotional."

"It's ok to be emotional." That was/is news to me. I always hate being 'emotional', and even take unnatural precautions to keep from being so. But then I realized where my emotions were coming from.

Looking for affirmation and security in the wrong places left me feeling so hurt and disregarded. Rejected
After a beautiful talk with my accountability partner (AP), Mikaela Bender, I realized what the real problem was. Why I had been so blind to it, I'll never know. She very simply asked me, "So you're looking for your identity in things/ people rather than in God?"
Ouch. Just by the immediate pang of conviction that entered my heart, I knew she was right.

That night at session during worship, the wondrous Chloe came and started praying for me. She prayed concerning my Identity. I remember her saying , "Lord, I thank you for claiming Janelle as your own. When you hang on the cross you were thinking about her, and you said she is yours. Thank you for counting her tears, seldom though they may be..." 

Prophetic. After her prayer, we sat in each others arms for about another song and a half. Chloe prayed things that I knew in my head but were far from my heart.
In the middle of worship the leader, Andrew Snow, said, "...I expect God to do something amazing in about two minutes. You need to be expectant too. God is going to break the spirit of rejection off of you. He's going to break it and it's not going to come back. You are not rejected. You are Adopted."
Adopted. Adopted is my core name. Adopted is my vision, though temporarily lost, for this year.

That incredible moment I hope I never forget. God was speaking to me. The spirit of rejection has followed me for far too long.
I started crying almost immediately.

You are not rejected. 
You ARE mine. 
All mine. 
In the midst of my tears I felt a hand take hold of mine. I knew it was the hand of my Core advisor, but I heard the Lord say,
That's me. I'm always holding you. 
Then I heard my father counting the tears as they fell from face
number 23...
I HAVE adopted you.
I see you.
I know you.
I love you more then you could know.
You bring me joy. I long for you
Number 71.
You are mine.
you are mine.
you are mine.
all mine.
I died just so  I could have your heart.
Number 100.

I know who I am. I know what I am. I know whose I am.
Come at me bro

Chloe and I

My Core: Adopted (my core advisor's in the orange scarf)

Mikaela and I

If you are able to donate towards my internship that would be a huge blessing.
got to www.honoracademy.com/donate and enter my intern number, '2612849'.
Donations are tax deductible!

2013. The year of late night crying sessions, late night jam sessions, late night 'I need you Jesus' sessions, late night movie watching, late night best friend conversations, late night prayer sessions...pretty much the year of late nights.

But I can honestly say I've never felt more alive in my life. I will remember this year forever. No, I never know what day or date it is (I had to be reminded 4 times that today was news years eve), but I know where I'm supposed to be. And in that, God is showing me who He created me to be. And in that is Freedom. Is Life.

I took this picture of my future from the past. But now it's the present

Thanksgivingggggg

 I went to Austin!! I ate an awesome taco. I watched disturbia (and it was disturbing). I realized I don't completely stink at volleyball. I got licked in the face by a dog. I realized that I do completely stink at foosball (it was really embarrassing). I'm rusty at gin rummy. I'm getting better at egyptian rat screw. I have a very sassy side. I can be very introverted. I'm the least hospitable person I've ever met. I officially had a conversation with the guy I sit next to in class. And some people who used to mean so very much to me are slipping away and I don't know how to change it.

My usual solution to problems with friends is to simply be honest. But how much honesty can you have before people think you're trying to guilt trip them? 
If time equals relationship, then lack of time means lack of relationship, ya? Well what about the awkward time you spend you together? Or the conversations that you wish never happened simply because in those conversations you both realized that things are different now? Do those times redefine or deteriorate the relationship?
Take my Best friend for example. We used to talk everyday though we haven't seen each other in 2 + years. But now our conversations are how they were before we knew each other and when I secretly wanted to kill him. How long can you try to revive a conversation before the dead horse starts to stink? After a while I get annoyed even with my own efforts at trying to keep things going. 
When the tables are turned though it's always a pleasure to see how much of my conversational habits have rubbed off on him. But those times are seldom. 
For what it's worth, I miss you, and I know things won't be the same, but I wish they were at least better than they are now. But It takes two to tango, which is illegal for the next 9 months of my life, so instead... it takes two to ride a two person bike.

Now that that's off my chest...Thanksgiving was wonderful. Obviously there's no place like home, but The Dayton's is a fantastic second. Mr and Mrs. Dayton are awesome people who made me feel at home. They have perfected that art with great ease through foster parenting. 
Becoming a foster parent is one of the only desires I have in life (thus far).
I want to my home to be a refuge for those who are hurting. 
To be a warm and lovely bed and breakfast on a hill (as opposed to a full out city). 
To be a bed for the cold and weary traveler. 
A place for those who have no money to come, buy, and eat.
I want people to leave my bed and breakfast knowing about the Lover of their souls. 
I'm not talking like a literal bed and breakfast, but I'm sure you get the point. 
The Dayton's house is a lot like that. Their house is the one where you just walk in and no one bats an eye. It's like "yo, whaddup. you hungry?"
I want that. Whether or not I get married, I want to be that person. I want to be like my own mumzy and have children everywhere. Atheist children, indian children, black children, white children, adult children, actual children, biological children...
It's really weird though, because honestly, I don't know how to love people very well. And I don't know how to get close to people, I feel awkward and weird (though supposedly I disguise it well). So pretty much the one thing I want to do, I know I can't do... on my own 


Bring it on