I am Ok.

The natural response to the question, "How are you?" is "Good." I know this because I work in the service industry where I ask about 100 people that every day. Their response is the same. They then, in turn, ask me how I'm doing. I pause. I think about my next words very carefully. I have no desire to simply respond "Good" and go on to the next person. But answering honestly with "Well, I'm really depressed... I feel like I'm drowning. Thank you for asking, is this your first time at Blueprint?"...might make things a bit awkward. 


The past few years I've discovered that I have been having a pretty intense battle with depression.  I've had some days (weeks) when hopelessness would completely and utterly take over me. When all I could think about was my overwhelming sadness. I felt lost. I felt broken and I didn't know what the cause was. I received no enjoyment from life, only a small subsiding of sadness. Crying sometimes helped, but it's very inconvenient when you work 56 hours a week and your crying time gets pushed back into one 5 hour segment of uncontrollable sobbing. It also worries your boyfriend and your parents a bit. 

I can't say that I'm entirely on the other side of this, but I've realized that the voices that have been telling me to doubt myself, to doubt my worth, to doubt my purpose; the voices that have been draining me of all hope, of all dreams, of all passion...have not been voice of the Holy Spirit, my Comforter. 
It took a long time, but I came to understand that these voices and thoughts were not my own or of those I love. I have been knocked down countless times, but I am not destroyed. I have been drained of all strength at times, but I am not overcome. I will slip and I will fall, but I will rise. 
He is the strength of my heart and my portion. He is my protector and the One who fights for me and with me. He trains my hands for battle and fortifies my knees. His purpose for me will not be undone. Amen. 

This struggle has left me unable to talk to you. I've been unable to reach out to you. I've not been able to text you back, to return your call (or answer in the first place), to hang out when I know I should, or to love you as I've been wanting to. 
Thank you for loving me and for pursuing me. 
Right now I'm sitting in a laundromat looking through the super clean windows at the trees, the sun, my car, the blue sky... I'm listening to The Tribe of Benjamin's rendition of 'Your Love is Extravagant' and writing this post to let you that I'm okay. And with the Grace and Faithfulness of God, I will be better than Ok. 

Suh dude. 

This picture is one of my all time favorites...
but it has nothing to do with this post.
 I just like having pictures to go along with things...
Taken by my hot home-boy, Wesley

The struggle is real

I cried. Hard. First on Danielle's  shoulder, and two days later on my bed with Tanya and then seconds later with Cassie.
Second semester started with Tanya crying on my lap. And Cassie is one of the only people I would feel less awkward crying around.
Why did I cry? Because I was sad. About what?
My year is over. No more worship in the Audi. No more back 40 or secret garden, or side woods or walking with Laura. No more watching old movies and having deep conversations and Friday night bible studies with Wesley and Franny. No more looking at the stars with Mikaela when we have our 'get our friendship back on track' talks. No more swinging in a hammock serenading passersby with Juju. No more meal meetings. No more of Edgar's hugs or Jordan's jokes. No more hearing Sarah practice the guitar or Colette telling me what's going on around campus. No more seeing my amazing brother core and just feeling so incredibly proud of them. No more of Daltons accent or Lamonts humor. No more of Nelson and I's Legend of Korra dates, no more of seeing Chris and his bod sing incredible worship to the Lord. No more. No more. None. Man. That is so hard for me to handle. Lord give me Grace.

That was a journal entry from August sixth two thousand and fourteen. That was 414 days since I moved to Texas. That was the best year, one month and 19 days of my life. I didn't know that at the time of course, but I suppose you never know it at the time.

That was long ago...

There's a roller coaster called the "Mr Freeze reverse" at Six Flags over Texas. On this thrill ride, you're shot out backwards into a dark tunnel and have no idea what comes next. Suddenly you're twirled upside down, thrown side to side jerked upwards, shot downwards and eventually you're pulled up and held at a tall point that can be seen from anywhere in the park. 

Since graduating the Honor Academy 52 days ago, my life has been the previous paragraph. I have no idea what happens next. I honestly don't know why the Lord has brought me here. Looking around at the people on this ride with me (my teammates), honestly makes me feel like I might not even belong. I love my fellow riders immensely, but you know how there's always that one person who's slightly out of place? Hi, that's me... Or maybe we're all the awkward out of place ones (Shhh...)

At the Honor Academy, you're constantly being poured into, constantly seeking the Lord, and constantly having accountability. I was in a spiritual oasis where goodness was spoon fed into my mouth. That is not so now. 

Honestly, I just miss Jesus. He's still here, but now I realize how people can go for weeks without a quiet time after leaving the HA. I've had my quiet times, but instead of being at the lake resort lounging in the water of life, I feel as though I'm in the desert. 

I'm dehydrated, I'm tired, I'm empty, I'm in the place of not knowing where I'm going but being on the roller coaster all the same.  The worst thing ever is trying to spend time with the Lord but feeling as though he's letting you figure it out on your own. I can't figure it out on my own. I don't know where this coaster is coasting, and I have no way of figuring it out. 

But this I call to mind and therefore I have Hope. 

The Lord is my refuge and my strength; He is my Joy. He is Constant. He is Close. Regardless of how I 'feel'.

While hanging from the tall point on the Mr Freeze, you see the road before you illuminated. Even in the dark, you can look up from the point at the end of the line and see the city lights around you. beautiful. After those few short seconds of stillness, you plummet down on the track and see what you couldn't see before. 

Starting out backwards on the Mr Freeze is one of the most exciting parts. The adventure comes in being thrown upside down but knowing that you're secured safely in your seat and no harm will come to you. 

I am secure. 

"I've got you, my Beloved. Lean on me, not your understanding. My ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts. Are you ready for an adventure?  - Jesus

                                                                                                  

This year I'm touring with Teen Mania's Acquire the Fire youth conferences where the broken-hearts are bound, and the captives are made free. Teen Mania International

The One About Ministry Placement

"My eyes hurt. They're screaming at me to let them close. The four dings of my headset just went off in my ear. Now on to call #18...only 18 calls. By the end of the day I'm supposed to be on call 100. This is going to be a long day. This is one of the days where I hope no one actually picks up the phone. This is one of the days when I long for my computer to have a heart attack just so I won't have to call anymore.
My energy is gone. People want me to stop calling them. That makes two of us."

-My Journal Entry

Every day I make a not so long walk passed the cafe, the auditorium, and the ATF call center. I walk into Mission Control, passed the MOB, and up the stairs. I walk past 20 cubicles until I get to the one on the right at the end of the row. Mine. I know my spinny chair well. I sit in this chair, at this computer, with this headset, for 27 hours every week. I call teenagers, young adults, tweens, and sometimes parents around the continent monday-friday and give them an opportunity to reach their generation with the Gospel, to experience Jesus Christ in a way they never thought possible, to live for something bigger than themselves, to see lives changed by the love of God. I work in Global Expeditions as a Recruitment Representative. Now, my job, in essence, is awesome. But there are some ever changing factors that make it a bit...frustrating.

For example, when someone hangs up on you It's a general rule that we have to call them back and pretend that it was a 'bad connection' (which sometimes it actually is):

"Hey! This is Janelle with Global Expeditions, we were just on the phone, I called back because our call dropped."

"I know. Can you like, not do that?"

"I'm sorry, not do what?"

"Call back."

Ouch. I was taken aback by that. I asked if I could pray for him (something else we have to do) and then swiftly hung up. When I asked him what he wanted prayer for he said 'that this conversation would end sooner'. Ouch again. Some people have been cussed out (just talk to ATF Call Center), yelled at, rejected verbally trampled on... the list goes on. Sometimes I talk to people who would rather die than go on missions, or people who are indifferent towards it. People who would shock you if they told you they were christians, people who think you're selling something and hang up before you can tell them otherwise. It's hard.
But I also get to talk to people like Corey. Corey went on a mission trip last summer and was itching to go on another one. Corey was pretty much one of the coolest people I got to talk to, we're friends on facebook now. Or I talk to people like Landon, who works on a farm all day, has an insanely high IQ, and loves to talk. We talked about rabbits, missions, eagles, Jesus, the army... And on the best days, I get to encourage people like Larke who's having a hard time with family. Larke didn't go on a mission trip, but I got to share the Gospel with her. The same with 16 year old William who told me about how he grew up in an orphanage in Russia. And about how everytime he has a birthday he only thinks about how his birth parents abandoned him. He went to Acquire the Fire and God has been helping him forgive, even the people who abused his girlfriend. I get to talk to 14 year old Josh, who wants to go on a mission trip, but is torn between that and the once in a lifetime opportunity of the advancement of his youtube gaming career (yep. that's a real thing. it's actually a big deal). Or I get to tell Danny that he's not 'just another person'. He was created. He was planned. He's important. He can reach people with the Gospel that I will never be able to; and someones waiting for him.
The best thing that I get to do is preach the Gospel. This is my pulpit. And it eventually reaches nations. From my faithfulness on the phone and telling these people the importance of missions, by painting in their head a picture of this broken world and giving them the opportunity to do something about it, or just by telling them the way that God sees them, or by telling them that they were made for more than what they've been settling for, I see the nations reached.
And sometimes, when God blesses me even more, I get to pray with a parent.
When Ms Dawn answered the phone, she was angry. "What do you want?!" was her response to my very sweet opening. "I don't want to be called ever again. I've told you that a hundred times!"
I apologized profusely and as mandatory closing, asked to pray with her. When I finished she was silent for a bit. Then with her voice cracking she said, 'you have no idea what you just did for me. Thank you. Thank you so much..."
Or praying for a new mom and hearing her say, "Wow. I'm speechless. God has used you so much. Thank you so much. That was beautiful."

That's my job. Listening to Silas stay after hours to share his testimony with a struggling believer. Beautiful. That's why I'm here. In the best of times, in the worst of times. God is so good, even when you call 122 people and only 3 pick up the phone only just to hang up on you. This entire job is worth Tierney texting me right after we get off the phone telling me that 'the entire time you were praying, I just cried.' It's worth it. Just hearing someone change their mind and say, "wow, I really want to go on a trip now. What's the website again? Can you call back tomorrow?"

That is why I'm here.
This what I do. I work for Teen Mania Ministries. Advancing the Gospel through missionaries and to missionaries. I'm an Intern at the Honor Academy and I change the world (that sounds kind of arrogant...my bad).



If you can help me continue my ministry at Teen Mania, please donate to my account at: www.honoracademy.com/donate and enter my intern number '2612849'

Silas Preaching the Gospel

My old Call team

My first day calling! (forgive the duck face)

If you would like to learn more about mission trips, call us! 866-545-6239. globalexpeditions.com

How do you see God?

"How do you see God?" 
Wesley's question came as a surprise. I'd never been asked that before. Thinking about the answer put a smile on my face and forced me to self examine something I forgot was there.
After thinking about it, I finally had my answer. I see God first as a Father. I had a vision in my head of a little girl sitting on a bed in her room. She was crying and frustrated. She's crying because she'd done something wrong, and gotten disciplined for it. But she didn't understand why she had gotten in trouble.
So as the frustrations washed over her face, her loving father sat next to his emotional daughter and calmed her troubles. He explained what she had done and reassured her of his love and comfort.
I see God as a comforter, a best friend, the greatest father that ever lived.

When I returned the question to Wesley, he told me about times in his life where God made himself known.
"I felt free. I didn't know what from, I just felt free."
The true freedom Jesus gives is unknown to most christians. The freedom from sin, the freedom from caring about what others think, the freedom to live radically for the only thing that matters, the freedom to dance, run, jump and yell before the throne of God, the freedom that comes with knowing your purpose, and the freedom from strongholds in your life.
Jesus came to give us an abundant life. Jesus came and died just so we can be with him. Jesus wants us to experience Heaven on earth. The kingdom of heaven is near, so near that God wants us to be living in it daily.

Experience Freedom.
Experience your Father.

Wesley Butler and I (his name is best said with British accent).

Identity Crisis

I've been having an identity crisis. This new semester at the Honor Academy came with many changes. Some are really hard to deal with, like one of my brothers leaving. Some are good, like having new classes and new interns on campus. Some are going to be interesting, like getting new core sisters. But all are for God's glory. This new semester has already brought tears, and feelings, and frustrations in me and out of me. But then the wise words of Chloe begin turning in my mind and slowly make their way to my heart, "It's ok to be emotional."

"It's ok to be emotional." That was/is news to me. I always hate being 'emotional', and even take unnatural precautions to keep from being so. But then I realized where my emotions were coming from.

Looking for affirmation and security in the wrong places left me feeling so hurt and disregarded. Rejected
After a beautiful talk with my accountability partner (AP), Mikaela Bender, I realized what the real problem was. Why I had been so blind to it, I'll never know. She very simply asked me, "So you're looking for your identity in things/ people rather than in God?"
Ouch. Just by the immediate pang of conviction that entered my heart, I knew she was right.

That night at session during worship, the wondrous Chloe came and started praying for me. She prayed concerning my Identity. I remember her saying , "Lord, I thank you for claiming Janelle as your own. When you hang on the cross you were thinking about her, and you said she is yours. Thank you for counting her tears, seldom though they may be..." 

Prophetic. After her prayer, we sat in each others arms for about another song and a half. Chloe prayed things that I knew in my head but were far from my heart.
In the middle of worship the leader, Andrew Snow, said, "...I expect God to do something amazing in about two minutes. You need to be expectant too. God is going to break the spirit of rejection off of you. He's going to break it and it's not going to come back. You are not rejected. You are Adopted."
Adopted. Adopted is my core name. Adopted is my vision, though temporarily lost, for this year.

That incredible moment I hope I never forget. God was speaking to me. The spirit of rejection has followed me for far too long.
I started crying almost immediately.

You are not rejected. 
You ARE mine. 
All mine. 
In the midst of my tears I felt a hand take hold of mine. I knew it was the hand of my Core advisor, but I heard the Lord say,
That's me. I'm always holding you. 
Then I heard my father counting the tears as they fell from face
number 23...
I HAVE adopted you.
I see you.
I know you.
I love you more then you could know.
You bring me joy. I long for you
Number 71.
You are mine.
you are mine.
you are mine.
all mine.
I died just so  I could have your heart.
Number 100.

I know who I am. I know what I am. I know whose I am.
Come at me bro

Chloe and I

My Core: Adopted (my core advisor's in the orange scarf)

Mikaela and I

If you are able to donate towards my internship that would be a huge blessing.
got to www.honoracademy.com/donate and enter my intern number, '2612849'.
Donations are tax deductible!

2013. The year of late night crying sessions, late night jam sessions, late night 'I need you Jesus' sessions, late night movie watching, late night best friend conversations, late night prayer sessions...pretty much the year of late nights.

But I can honestly say I've never felt more alive in my life. I will remember this year forever. No, I never know what day or date it is (I had to be reminded 4 times that today was news years eve), but I know where I'm supposed to be. And in that, God is showing me who He created me to be. And in that is Freedom. Is Life.

I took this picture of my future from the past. But now it's the present

Thanksgivingggggg

 I went to Austin!! I ate an awesome taco. I watched disturbia (and it was disturbing). I realized I don't completely stink at volleyball. I got licked in the face by a dog. I realized that I do completely stink at foosball (it was really embarrassing). I'm rusty at gin rummy. I'm getting better at egyptian rat screw. I have a very sassy side. I can be very introverted. I'm the least hospitable person I've ever met. I officially had a conversation with the guy I sit next to in class. And some people who used to mean so very much to me are slipping away and I don't know how to change it.

My usual solution to problems with friends is to simply be honest. But how much honesty can you have before people think you're trying to guilt trip them? 
If time equals relationship, then lack of time means lack of relationship, ya? Well what about the awkward time you spend you together? Or the conversations that you wish never happened simply because in those conversations you both realized that things are different now? Do those times redefine or deteriorate the relationship?
Take my Best friend for example. We used to talk everyday though we haven't seen each other in 2 + years. But now our conversations are how they were before we knew each other and when I secretly wanted to kill him. How long can you try to revive a conversation before the dead horse starts to stink? After a while I get annoyed even with my own efforts at trying to keep things going. 
When the tables are turned though it's always a pleasure to see how much of my conversational habits have rubbed off on him. But those times are seldom. 
For what it's worth, I miss you, and I know things won't be the same, but I wish they were at least better than they are now. But It takes two to tango, which is illegal for the next 9 months of my life, so instead... it takes two to ride a two person bike.

Now that that's off my chest...Thanksgiving was wonderful. Obviously there's no place like home, but The Dayton's is a fantastic second. Mr and Mrs. Dayton are awesome people who made me feel at home. They have perfected that art with great ease through foster parenting. 
Becoming a foster parent is one of the only desires I have in life (thus far).
I want to my home to be a refuge for those who are hurting. 
To be a warm and lovely bed and breakfast on a hill (as opposed to a full out city). 
To be a bed for the cold and weary traveler. 
A place for those who have no money to come, buy, and eat.
I want people to leave my bed and breakfast knowing about the Lover of their souls. 
I'm not talking like a literal bed and breakfast, but I'm sure you get the point. 
The Dayton's house is a lot like that. Their house is the one where you just walk in and no one bats an eye. It's like "yo, whaddup. you hungry?"
I want that. Whether or not I get married, I want to be that person. I want to be like my own mumzy and have children everywhere. Atheist children, indian children, black children, white children, adult children, actual children, biological children...
It's really weird though, because honestly, I don't know how to love people very well. And I don't know how to get close to people, I feel awkward and weird (though supposedly I disguise it well). So pretty much the one thing I want to do, I know I can't do... on my own 


Bring it on   

LTE

Last weekend we had a Life Transforming Event (LTE) where we solely sought the face of our Maker for three days.
Awesome right? Yeah, well it was. We fasted from food, speech, and music so that we could taste and see how good our God is, so we could hear the voice of the maker of the stars, and so the song of the Lord would dwell within our hearts.
In my secret place with God all I wanted to know was more of His heart.
"God, show me who you are."
"As the butterfly and the bumble bee are specially designed and purposeful, I AM  your creator, your painter, your artist. If they are so beautiful, how much more beautiful will I make you?"
"God show me who you are."
I Love you too much to leave you. I AM faithful. If I was even so faithful to Cain, though he was evil, how much more so will I be to you, my Daughter."
"God, Show me who you are."
"I AM who I say I am. I AM Just, as I will also make you. I AM Mighty. I AM able and willing to do more than you can imagine. Why do you doubt me? My very name brings nations to their knees. I AM a warrior, but for you, my love, I became a lamb."
"God, show me who you are."
"I AM yours. 
I AM your provider. 
I SEE you.
I KNOW you. 
I LOVE you.
Do you know who you are? Do you know whose you are? If you did, it would change your life.
YOU ARE MINE. YOU ARE ADOPTED.   

Will you not be more beautiful than these?

Yeah. So fasting LTE, amazing.

God? Yeah, I know something about Him

I've been reading 1 Peter. Though knowing little about meditating on scripture, the desire to do so is still in my heart. So though I didn't read 5 chapters a day, I feel my reading the same 3 chapters for a few days was pretty awesome. In 1 Peter it talks a lot about the church and trials and struggles and such. So discovering God’s character wasn't  exactly a challenge, it was just different.

            The first words in 1 Peter are some of my favorite. Peter starts his letter with: To God’s elect. Elect: A person chosen by God for favor, salvation, or eternal life. My favorite word of those is chosen. Throughout this book (and the Bible) God blows my mind with how intricate and so insanely well thought out, planned, and executed the Gospel is. God is a planner; he does nothing on a whim or in the heat of the moment. Later on in 1 Peter, he talks about how before the creation of the world Jesus was chosen to be the pure, spotless sacrificial lamb. It blows my mind to think that before Adam and Eve were even created, before the problem was a problem, and before the devil even thought he was special, God was planning. He chose us as His elect according to the foreknowledge of His Awesomeness and through the sanctifying work of the Spirit.

Chosen. I am chosen by God. Those words are so powerful. God took something invisible and made it His own. At first I was no one, but now I am a people belonging to God; a royal priesthood. At first I had not received mercy, but now I have received mercy. God is a redeemer, I was not redeemed by something simple and cheap like silver or gold, but I was redeemed from my empty way of life by blood. By life. He’s a giver, he gave life in exchange for life. And though it makes no sense to me, the planning God of heaven and earth chose, redeemed, and is now building, shaping, and forming me into His spiritual house. My mind is small and feeble and able to understand nothing unless God gives me understanding, but God is showing me how he goes above and beyond, how he does immeasurably more then I can ask or think. Not only was Jesus sent to save us, but to lead us. I knew this in my head, but my heart was still blind to His wonderful light. To this I was called, because Christ suffered for me, leaving me an example, I should follow in His steps. The problem with this is that Jesus’ steps lead him to the grave. Are my steps willing to follow? To this I was called! I better be willing to follow, or Christ died for nothing. Will I follow when I suffer for doing good? To this I was called. Will I follow when I can’t see Him? When I can’t feel Him? To this I was called. Will I follow when I’m tired of the ministry placement God has given me? To this I was called. Will I entrust myself to Him who judges justly? Will I follow when I am harmed for doing good? To this, I was called. For such a time as this. To follow my planning, redeeming, merciful, loving, all-knowing, leader, yes, to this I was called. My faith, which to my King is more precious than gold, will be purified. Through that purification I will be proved genuine and inexpressible and glorious Joy will be mine. To this I was called.

The Art of Productivity

"What's free time again?" asked an HA intern as they trudged into the office an hour early to get homework done, "Oh, you mean Saturday?  Yeah, I think I remember those."

Such is my life.
The.Struggle.Is.Real

 Being blessed to work in the Global Expeditions Call Center, I don't have to be at work until after lunch at 1pm. But the hidden downfall to this is also its biggest blessing. Sleep. B-shifters like me have the glorious opportunity to sleep 'in', as opposed to the early rising, at work at 8:30 A-shifters.  Though sleep is wonderful, it will be your downfall. The average B-shifting intern will wake up either at 9:50 or 10:50 am, so they have just enough time to groggily run to the Auditorium for classes. After class and lunch, you work until 9 at night, and spend the rest of the evening socializing or eating ramen noodles (college life fosho).  

But in my B-shift life I am determined to break the lazy mold. My solution? Wake up early(ier), eat, dress, quiet time, homework, class, lunch, work, eat, work, session (if it applies), read, bed. Pretty packed right? Yep, and this entire week we've had sessions every night from 8 to 10, and on Wednesdays and Fridays I have shattered clay from 10-12 am (yep, late owls indeed). 

Socializing? Friends? Hanging out? What the fat are you talking about? 

Ain't nobody got time for that. 

Such is my life.

The struggle.

In the process of rituals beginning to set into my life (which I hate) and always having things to do, I've realized something: My tight schedule is the best plan ever if I want to be miserable. Though productive in the sense that I'm getting things done, I've become so religious in my schedule that I've isolated myself and sucked the adventure out of this Texas life. I've gotten stale, and watered down. And haven't had the refreshing words of a brother or sister close to me.
The life of an HA intern is busy, but to get through the hectic busyness, God gave us each other. I'm surrounded by 140+ other young people, pursuing God and going through the same things as I. That's such blessing.  I have an amazing family core of 20+ people (the largest on campus) and I barely spend time with them because I'm too busy 'getting things done'. Which of course being focused in itself isn't a bad thing, but to take it so far that the only conversation you have with your sister is about how you haven't seen each other in a few days is a bit sad. 
So my solution? I'm still working on it. But Jesus pursued people as well as His ministry, in fact, people was His ministry. And he's called people to be my ministry as well. He put these awesome people in my life for a reason. So whether it's waking up at 5:40 am to go to the gym with Cassie (which was awesome by the way), doing homework with Franny Fran (one of my favorite people on campus), leaving encouraging notes on my one of my  brother's desks, or staying up a little bit later to join in on the hilarious room conversations, I'm going to master the art of pursuit. Finding the middle ground between the art of productivity and the art of pursuing of people is going to be a journey I know nothing of (I've never had to turn homework in on time in my life...or even pursue friendships very much either for that matter ). But it's adventure time! Let's see how this turns out

P.S I think I almost like coffee now... Pray for me

Where have I been?

I MOVED TO TEXAS!!!!! And boy has it been an adventure. Before my internship at the Honor Academy started, I volunteered on the Teen Mania campus for two months where I've done everything from re-decorating, to serving food, to cleaning, cutting, taping, selling, praying, and facilitating paintball. Through all of this and all of the relationships I formed this summer, God has put a bigger desire in my heart to know Him and to know His heart. Thankfully as an intern here at the Honor Academy, that's what we are pursuing. Through a series of wondrous classes, the receptive heart is shown God's general plan for all of his followers, and daily we have the opportunity to live it out in our ministry placements and communion with each other. 
In addition to classes, ministry placements, and encountering the Living God, we recently had our first LTE (Life Transforming Event) called 'The Anvil'. During The Anvil, we were pushed physically and mentally so God could build us spiritually. We let God mold us as we stopped focusing on our own shortcomings or achievements and started encouraging one another and speaking life. We let God give us the strength to either slow down and watch for one another or to push further than we thought we could. During the Anvil LTE God showed me things that are in me that he longs to get rid of. My amazing team learned that quoting and believing scripture, praying constantly over each other and leaving no one behind is where the victory comes. Such is life. Where there is unity, God commands a blessing. We started as one and we finished as one. 

Well thats just an update on me :)

In addition to using this blog to keep you updated (though if anyone still reads this blog I'll be very shocked), I'll also be using it to post my papers for Character Development class. Whaddup.

One of my summer adventures!

End of Anvil paint fight celebration! (we have a lot of paint fights here)

If you are able to donate to my internship and keep me at the Honor Academy, go online to honoracademy.com/donate my intern number is 2612849. Donations are greatly appreciated! 
  

Her Freedom

Could the maker of the stars hear the sound of my breakin' heart? One light, that's all I am right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are won't You come close and hold my heart

Then He whispered in her ear, "Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you."
The tears then broke from her locked eyelids and fell with her chains. "I love you." was all she could get out of her quivering lips, "hold me. Please hold me."

His light threw the everlasting confusion into a whirlwind abyss. His light flooded her eyes and shook her bones. His light held her suspended in the air  where the darkness could not touch her. But there was one thing missing; her choice. Her choice to turn away everything she once welcomed. Her choice to choose the things that made her uncomfortable. Her choice to put herself last, to become the least of these with no complaint. Her choice was impossible. She knew she couldn't do it. She didn't know if she wanted to. But she knew she needed to.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior. My Savior. You saved me. I will call upon your name, keep my eyes above the waves. My soul will rest in your embrace. I am yours and you are Mine." 

The prayer emanated from her spirit. The demons around were blinded by the power of the choice that enabled her freedom. Her freedom. Her freedom. 

It Is Finished 

I am Yours and You are Mine.

December 24th

Today, December 24th 2012 has been the worst December 24th I can remember, though that isn't saying much because i don't remember any of them, and no, it's not because I was drunk . Back to the point, today started out great, I stayed up late making my little brother's present, yet still had a great nights sleep. I woke up my mothers kisses and to the freezing cold air inside my house (no heat yet. thank God for space heaters). I had a head full of things to do today, and was looking forward to a fun day of just spending Christmas music filled time with everyone. Well, it didn't turn out that way. Today was filled with bad attitudes, too many cranky pills, short tempered-ness, and was a big ole bucket of rude and not fun-ness (that's a word right?). I was miserable. Our house has no decorations, no wonderful smells, no family friendliness...etc. In my house, we don't give a gift exchange on Christmas, we give it on New Years. We do this because my parents had the idea to reserve Christmas for Jesus and to have our own family holiday. We call it Family Appreciation Day. Though there is nothing wrong with giving gifts on Christmas  my parents just came up with a cool tradition. Well this year for Christmas  everyone in our family has to hand make something for the person younger than them (in addition to family appreciation day), I have to make something for Daniel (little brother). Well today, Daniel overdosed on cranky jerk pills and was having a few issues today, no bueno. And it all went downhill from there. On top of things i won't get into, my best friends are a thousand and in some cases many many thousands of miles away. My other best friend ...ugh oh gosh I don't even know about her. Today was awful. Period. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have Hope.
Christmas.
More of Christ.
The Savior of the World, the Savior of my soul was born. He saw the withered tree stumps of humanity and it broke his heart. He saw the depression of the souls of a people who were forever cut off from God, the God of their souls, the God of love who truly is the only one who knew how to love them. We were separated, lost, confused, dying, crying, seeking, searching, desperate, dead. He saw something that he would take no more of, his heart broke for the people who broke it, and who keep breaking it. But Love prevailed and a plan was hatched. God sent his Son to save his lost ones; me. The Love of God is powerful. Powerful enough to raise the dead, to heal the sick, to fix the broken and renew the stagnant, to change the world and the fullness thereof. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus for seeing my hurt, my lost, my broken, and my blind heart. Thank you for tearing off the chains on my soul with your pierced and bleeding hands. Your hands and feet were bleeding with blood that should have been mine. You are the solution. You came and lived among us and yet we still rejected you. Thank you for not giving up so easily, thank you for having a human proof plan. I love you. I'm in love with you. My soul sings of how I love you.

Yep, this is what I've been waiting for.

I'm  doing a lot right now. I'm looking at my niece and her beautiful eyes. she smiles. I think about how downstairs lying on my couch right now is an amazing girl I met last year.  I think about how now I'm '17'. I think about how much I dont know what that means. I think about how I'm going to HA next year. About how Im now a 'senior' now. The  thought of that makes me cry. I feel like crying now  I think about how I just got a very much wanted invitation to MT. I think about how my best friend doesn't  know how Im feeling. And how I feel like i'm drifting from my other best friend. I think about how I try so hard to fight other peoples battles for them. I try so hard to save people from their situations, even though I know thats not my job. But what is my job? Working at a frozen yogurt shop? Assistant Gymnastics coach? technically yes. But I need for there to be more in this 18th year of life then falling behind in school and making money that will come to dust anyway. I have a goal for tis year. I want to do something. Something that includes more then being in a musical, and making a new friend. I want this year to be my turning point. I just read a blog post from my friend Chantry. He just came back from Venezuela. Now he's planning 2 more trips to Haiti and Ecuador. He's also dual enrolled a.k.a he's soon to be a sophomore in college. He's 17. Does his amazing anointed mission based life make me feel like a directionless chump? yep sure does. But another thing that it shows me, is that Chancho knows his identity. Not just his name or his address. But he knows who he is in Christ. and when you boil it down, thats ALL that matters. Who am I in Christ?... thats what I need to brush up on. This 2012-2013 year is going to be one in which God says, "Yep, this is what I've been waiting for."

One year and 14 days ago

We were strangers when we took this picture. 
Pale, short haired, blue shirt wearing strangers.
I'd like to see us take it now, 1 year, and 14 days later

One year and  14 days ago at approximately 1 in the morning, I was crying. Not outwardly, for my tear sacks don't work like that. Its the worst feeling when your  crying on the inside but nothing comes out on your face.  When all your emotion is trapped inside and there is no way for it to come out. I remember kissing Maria repeatedly and getting her many tears on my face. I remember hugging Zeb not near enough times. At that moment I remembered all the things he said would happen to him that night, I wondered if they were happening, I doubted  it.  I remember the TM official yelling at us to leave, let them get on their bus and us to go to sleep. His insensitivity was blood boiling. Did he really not know what happened between us the past two months? And then having to say goodbye not knowing whether we would see each other again. I regret something from that night. I wish I had stayed my ground, not impressed by his threats that may not have been idle.  I wish I would have seen their bus off, and waved to them as they slowly began the hour and a half journey to the DFW airport. I knew the goodbyes would continue that night, in fact mine and Frankie's turn was next. But as I was shooed out of the pavilion, I just ran back up to my cabin and sat outside on the bench, I looked at the stars and re-lived the past two months in my head. Before I knew it, it was my turn to go to the pavilion and get on my bus. I ran into my cabin and woke up my other  team mates, "My bus is here. I ts time for me to go." some of them responded with a sluggish "oooh no" but hardly any of them stirred. It made me laugh, after two months of waking up at 5-6 in the morning, we learned to value our sleep. "Ok," said a currently closed-eyed Misha, " I'll be down there in enough time to say goodbye" I woke a few others and gave a few sleepy hugs, but when I look back now, I would have done so much more.  I don't remember having an escort down the lonely road to the pavilion. I got down there to see Frankie, my departing buddie, God, I was so thankful to have him. My memories are scattered at this point, the one thing that sticks out the most is that man just yelling. Say your goodbyes then leave! No! I don't want them to leave! Please don't leave. I remember quick fleeting hugs from people who meant the most. Hugs that wouldn't satisfy. Hugs that didn't  satisfy. Hugs that haven't satisfied. I'm not satisfied, in fact, I'm depressed. I remember the moment I broke. When emotion became too strong and too powerful for my insides to contain. This happens on very few occasions. Mackenzie hugged me. She said, "If there's anything you ever need, I want you to call me. Call me, ok?" I nodded my head on her much smaller shoulder, the tears came, they matched hers. Cassandra came up and hugged me next. Though we scarcely exchanged words the entire two months, I knew I was going  to miss her.    Then they were gone. Warded off by the officiator of ceremonies. I knew then that I didn't like this man, I very much did not like him.  I felt so alone then. Frankie asked "You ok bud?" and I smiled and said "Nope." I wasn't ok. I'm not ok.  Holding the non existent tears in then has lead to me letting them out now.  I miss my Impossibles.
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[super emo blog post is now over...stay tuned for the next one]

Part 4

We had been in Fiji for about two months now. We had Bon-fires, ministry through labor , Youth Conventions, movie nights, a pool party, beach outings, rugby and soccer tournaments... ...the list goes on. I was literally in paradise with my family. What could be better? I could be better. I was vain, selfish, and completely oblivious. I constantly looked to impress people, to make them like me more, to make them think I was special and possibly even as cool as everyone else. "Hey! Do you think I'm cool too? Look at me! I can be like that." My demeanor cried out louder then the sound of the ocean.
Have you ever been so blindly focused on one thing that you completely miss the better things that you could have had? Being so focused on myself, I missed the amazing friendships I could have had with Rachel, Christal, and so many others. Finally, it took the work of  Tema, a girl I did not expect to get so close with, to awaken me from my slumber. Her selfless attitude towards everything stirred something in me. She was a beautiful tom-boy with a bottomless reservoir of competitiveness and generosity. "Hey Jenny, you want some?" She constantly offered me anything she had, or in most cases, she would buy me my own. God used her to show me something. She showed me how selfish and inconsiderate I was. Boom. I was roasted.
Combined with the work of  Tema, and the work of Vimal, who had become my big brother, I was destined for a makeover.
One night we were invited to a family's house. A member of their family had been on her death bed in the hospital. And since my parents were the pastors, they had the responsibility of going to the hospital, and praying over the woman. God, of course, performed a miracle and she was healed and back at home with her family. As we ate their wonderfully made food, my sisters and I started talking to some of the younger people who were there. "So, do you guys ever want to go to America?" we asked.
"No!" They all said, "America has too many gangs and too much violence, we don't want to get killed."
At first we just laughed, but then realized they were serious. Is that how people saw America and the people thereof? Yep, apparently  That's certainly how these Indian teenagers saw us. Boom. Roasted again.

After the rest of the month had past, it was time to go home and change our world there. Its hard going to a different country and coming back the same person especially when you were a jerk and a fool before. Well evtually we came back home and got to look through our World with different eyes. The eyes of some who had seen beauty in tragedy, seen the face of the ugly in something that was meant to be beautiful.
I, Jenny, have far too many stories to tell of how my life was ripped to shreds, and I actually haven't told you any of them. But give me time, time enough to write my memoirs and share with the World that really doesn't care to hear. Give me time.

Part 3 (I split it up so many times because I need more blog posts.)

Weeks past and my playing hard to get, got me everywhere. It turned out that I was right, sonny did like me too. Ha! I had him in the palm of my hand....well, not really.  Though we both liked each other, we never pursued it, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. There were more important things to worry about. Up until that time, this trip had been the best vacation ever. Every time we went to town, people thought we were famous, because there was a famous gospel choir in town, and why else would actual real black people be in Fiji unless the were performers? As people would sneak pictures of who they thought were famous people, we would just laugh.
Later on my parents reminded me that we were indeed on a missions trip. Being on a missions trip, you're expected to minister, and though we had already done special skits at the church, it was mostly my parents doing the ministering. And they wanted to give us the opportunity to do so as well.  So we piled into a van and drove to the interior of Viti Levu. We got to the mostly Hindu school on top of a mountain and where we were served the most incredible Indian food we had eaten so far. After the incredible food, it was go time. All the children sat in their chairs with the utmost respect, Fijian and Indian alike.Though I had a lot of experience of being in front of people, no inkling in my body wanted to come to this school. My mom wanted me to mime to a song called 'Now behold the Lamb', though it was normally a christmas song. I did it kicking and screaming, as I mostly did when I had to minister through the arts. But I had to stop, why was I here? Because God brought me here. Why did he bring me here? He brought me here for his Glory, whether that was through relationships that he formed, or places that he took me. I was there for a reason. And I was not leaving without doing his call. After shaking off my spirit of reluctant-ness, we mimed, danced, sang, and then my parents, and another missionary shared the message. After giving the gospel, they asked for children wanting Christ to raise their hands. One by one hands raised, almost all of the children received and accepted the Gospel that day. God is Good.

Part 2

The plane touched down in Nadi, Viti Levu, Fiji  Wednesday morning. We were all confused when told it was Wednesday. Hadn't we flown out on Monday? What happened to Tuesday? It was gone, the international date line had been crossed. We were in the future. Tuesday didn't exist for me. If you think about it in a cool way, I only lived 364 days that year.
In the first day of being in that Paradise, I had already begun to meet some of my best friends for the next few months. I would say best friends for the next few decades, but alas, they have already forgotten me. Forgotten me like a footprint washed away by the waves. Speaking of the waves, the ocean just so happened to be less then a minutes walk from our new Fijian house. For the next 3 months we would live on the beach. The youth in the church welcomed us with open arms and amazing hearts, just the memory of them makes me tear. Vimal, the 18 year old youth leader, stayed in our house with us for a week to make sure we got settled, him and some of the youth took us up to The Point. A perilously beautiful place, it was like looking out at the end of the world. The man swallowing waves, the jagged rocks, and the beauty of a distant shore was too much.  God's creation was all too beautiful. As we looked out into the world we had lost all connection with reality. Which wasn't a good thing.
"THE CAMERA!!! THE CAMERA!!!" I awoke from my day dreaming to see my mothers camera get immersed by the ravaging ocean. "NOOOOOOO!!!!!" I sank to my knees in defeat. This was the second one of my mothers camera that met a tragic end on  my watch.  My walk back to the house was a sad one, we had only been there for a week, and I had already lost one of the most important things.

One night, we were walking the youth home, about a mile away,  when I dropped my earring. As I was looking for it, a car came out of no where and almost killed me. But in the nick of time Sonny rushed to my side, grabbed my lost erring and moved me out of the way. I looked lovingly into the eyes of my savior only to be met with, "Girl, you dumb!" and he walked away chuckling at the foolish vain American girl . I was going thank him wholeheartedly and even treasure the first time that a boy came to my rescue, but I decided to play hard to get. I knew that Sonny liked me, or, at least that I liked him. And I was convinced to make him feel the same way. Game on Sonny Boy, game on........

Have you ever skipped a day? I mean an entire day. Not like waking up late, but actually skipping a day? Well for me, that day was Tuesday, March eleventh, Two-Thousand and Eight. I was asleep when that day passed.  I'm sure some people were born that day, and that some people made the journey to Eternity that day, but none of that means anything to me, because on that day, I was making a journey of my own.  

"Hey guys, me and your father got asked to pastor a church for a few months."
"Oh cool! Where?"
"In Fiji. We're leaving within the month. You guys are all welcome to come."
"..............What?" 
And that's how it started. The story of how I died, for the first time. The story of how my flesh disappeared from my spirit.......

Television Obsession

I have an obsession. It wasn't an obsession until...hm, lets say January 1st 2012. My obsession with this show is easily justified. It has the perfect mix of humor, drama,  and romance. It has its touching moments in which you want to cry as you empathize with the character, and you die laughing at the witty dialog and off the wall situations. Its seriously one of the best shows that 've seen since the Dick van Dyke show (which is awesome). The name of my latest obsession is.....

Avatar: The last airbender. 
Yes, I know what you're thinking. "Really? a cartoon kids tv show? How old are you?"
But I must say that even from an objective point of view, this show is awesome. Don't diss it until you've tried it. No, seriously, watch it. It's on Netflix. Now that I'm talking about tv shows, whhy should I stop now.
Another one of my old tely obsessions was Heroes.

Perhaps you've heard of it? Heroes is not at all like the normal shows I watch. It was gory beyond compare and quite frightening. But I must say, that it kept me going, and it wasn't all about dating and relationships and boy-girl drama, (as some things are about nowadays) I once watched the entire season 2 in one sitting. (I was feeling sickly, don't judge me) One thing that pisses me off about Heroes, is the way it ended. It was without a doubt the most cliff hanger ending to anything I'd ever seen. "I came 4 seasons for this!!??"
My favorite Heroes character? Sylar.

 Even though he was a deranged serial killer who mercilessly murdered people in the worst way possible, I knew that there was good in him, and that deep down, he really just wanted to be good all along (but don't tell that to the 4 seasons worth of dead people).
And My other favorites, are of course: Hiro and Ando, for obvious reasons.

  If You've never seen Heroes, then thats not exactly a bad thing, it may or may not be for you.

Another show that I used to love is Smallville.

This used to be awesome, but then it got insanely redundant and mostly about sex. It was like this.
  "Oh! Heres comes a tornado! It must be lex luthors fault!" "Whaat? Me! Why are you blaming a tornado on me!!?" "Because its your fault! Everything is your fault! Your an awful selfish person!!" The end. But then it got even worse when in the 8th season (which is where my obsession swiftly ended) they decided to take out lex luthor and replace him with another bad person. But I must say that before the..... I'll say 7th season, Smallville was awesome sauce, but then it took a wrong turn.

The last show I'm going to praise god that I'm not into anymore is......drum roll please!

Secret Life of the american teenager! THIS SHOW IS A CURSE. DO NOT WATCH UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. too bad it took me 4 seasons to realize this.




Now go, and be golden.