How do you see God?

"How do you see God?" 
Wesley's question came as a surprise. I'd never been asked that before. Thinking about the answer put a smile on my face and forced me to self examine something I forgot was there.
After thinking about it, I finally had my answer. I see God first as a Father. I had a vision in my head of a little girl sitting on a bed in her room. She was crying and frustrated. She's crying because she'd done something wrong, and gotten disciplined for it. But she didn't understand why she had gotten in trouble.
So as the frustrations washed over her face, her loving father sat next to his emotional daughter and calmed her troubles. He explained what she had done and reassured her of his love and comfort.
I see God as a comforter, a best friend, the greatest father that ever lived.

When I returned the question to Wesley, he told me about times in his life where God made himself known.
"I felt free. I didn't know what from, I just felt free."
The true freedom Jesus gives is unknown to most christians. The freedom from sin, the freedom from caring about what others think, the freedom to live radically for the only thing that matters, the freedom to dance, run, jump and yell before the throne of God, the freedom that comes with knowing your purpose, and the freedom from strongholds in your life.
Jesus came to give us an abundant life. Jesus came and died just so we can be with him. Jesus wants us to experience Heaven on earth. The kingdom of heaven is near, so near that God wants us to be living in it daily.

Experience Freedom.
Experience your Father.

Wesley Butler and I (his name is best said with British accent).

Identity Crisis

I've been having an identity crisis. This new semester at the Honor Academy came with many changes. Some are really hard to deal with, like one of my brothers leaving. Some are good, like having new classes and new interns on campus. Some are going to be interesting, like getting new core sisters. But all are for God's glory. This new semester has already brought tears, and feelings, and frustrations in me and out of me. But then the wise words of Chloe begin turning in my mind and slowly make their way to my heart, "It's ok to be emotional."

"It's ok to be emotional." That was/is news to me. I always hate being 'emotional', and even take unnatural precautions to keep from being so. But then I realized where my emotions were coming from.

Looking for affirmation and security in the wrong places left me feeling so hurt and disregarded. Rejected
After a beautiful talk with my accountability partner (AP), Mikaela Bender, I realized what the real problem was. Why I had been so blind to it, I'll never know. She very simply asked me, "So you're looking for your identity in things/ people rather than in God?"
Ouch. Just by the immediate pang of conviction that entered my heart, I knew she was right.

That night at session during worship, the wondrous Chloe came and started praying for me. She prayed concerning my Identity. I remember her saying , "Lord, I thank you for claiming Janelle as your own. When you hang on the cross you were thinking about her, and you said she is yours. Thank you for counting her tears, seldom though they may be..." 

Prophetic. After her prayer, we sat in each others arms for about another song and a half. Chloe prayed things that I knew in my head but were far from my heart.
In the middle of worship the leader, Andrew Snow, said, "...I expect God to do something amazing in about two minutes. You need to be expectant too. God is going to break the spirit of rejection off of you. He's going to break it and it's not going to come back. You are not rejected. You are Adopted."
Adopted. Adopted is my core name. Adopted is my vision, though temporarily lost, for this year.

That incredible moment I hope I never forget. God was speaking to me. The spirit of rejection has followed me for far too long.
I started crying almost immediately.

You are not rejected. 
You ARE mine. 
All mine. 
In the midst of my tears I felt a hand take hold of mine. I knew it was the hand of my Core advisor, but I heard the Lord say,
That's me. I'm always holding you. 
Then I heard my father counting the tears as they fell from face
number 23...
I HAVE adopted you.
I see you.
I know you.
I love you more then you could know.
You bring me joy. I long for you
Number 71.
You are mine.
you are mine.
you are mine.
all mine.
I died just so  I could have your heart.
Number 100.

I know who I am. I know what I am. I know whose I am.
Come at me bro

Chloe and I

My Core: Adopted (my core advisor's in the orange scarf)

Mikaela and I

If you are able to donate towards my internship that would be a huge blessing.
got to www.honoracademy.com/donate and enter my intern number, '2612849'.
Donations are tax deductible!

2013. The year of late night crying sessions, late night jam sessions, late night 'I need you Jesus' sessions, late night movie watching, late night best friend conversations, late night prayer sessions...pretty much the year of late nights.

But I can honestly say I've never felt more alive in my life. I will remember this year forever. No, I never know what day or date it is (I had to be reminded 4 times that today was news years eve), but I know where I'm supposed to be. And in that, God is showing me who He created me to be. And in that is Freedom. Is Life.

I took this picture of my future from the past. But now it's the present

Thanksgivingggggg

 I went to Austin!! I ate an awesome taco. I watched disturbia (and it was disturbing). I realized I don't completely stink at volleyball. I got licked in the face by a dog. I realized that I do completely stink at foosball (it was really embarrassing). I'm rusty at gin rummy. I'm getting better at egyptian rat screw. I have a very sassy side. I can be very introverted. I'm the least hospitable person I've ever met. I officially had a conversation with the guy I sit next to in class. And some people who used to mean so very much to me are slipping away and I don't know how to change it.

My usual solution to problems with friends is to simply be honest. But how much honesty can you have before people think you're trying to guilt trip them? 
If time equals relationship, then lack of time means lack of relationship, ya? Well what about the awkward time you spend you together? Or the conversations that you wish never happened simply because in those conversations you both realized that things are different now? Do those times redefine or deteriorate the relationship?
Take my Best friend for example. We used to talk everyday though we haven't seen each other in 2 + years. But now our conversations are how they were before we knew each other and when I secretly wanted to kill him. How long can you try to revive a conversation before the dead horse starts to stink? After a while I get annoyed even with my own efforts at trying to keep things going. 
When the tables are turned though it's always a pleasure to see how much of my conversational habits have rubbed off on him. But those times are seldom. 
For what it's worth, I miss you, and I know things won't be the same, but I wish they were at least better than they are now. But It takes two to tango, which is illegal for the next 9 months of my life, so instead... it takes two to ride a two person bike.

Now that that's off my chest...Thanksgiving was wonderful. Obviously there's no place like home, but The Dayton's is a fantastic second. Mr and Mrs. Dayton are awesome people who made me feel at home. They have perfected that art with great ease through foster parenting. 
Becoming a foster parent is one of the only desires I have in life (thus far).
I want to my home to be a refuge for those who are hurting. 
To be a warm and lovely bed and breakfast on a hill (as opposed to a full out city). 
To be a bed for the cold and weary traveler. 
A place for those who have no money to come, buy, and eat.
I want people to leave my bed and breakfast knowing about the Lover of their souls. 
I'm not talking like a literal bed and breakfast, but I'm sure you get the point. 
The Dayton's house is a lot like that. Their house is the one where you just walk in and no one bats an eye. It's like "yo, whaddup. you hungry?"
I want that. Whether or not I get married, I want to be that person. I want to be like my own mumzy and have children everywhere. Atheist children, indian children, black children, white children, adult children, actual children, biological children...
It's really weird though, because honestly, I don't know how to love people very well. And I don't know how to get close to people, I feel awkward and weird (though supposedly I disguise it well). So pretty much the one thing I want to do, I know I can't do... on my own 


Bring it on   

LTE

Last weekend we had a Life Transforming Event (LTE) where we solely sought the face of our Maker for three days.
Awesome right? Yeah, well it was. We fasted from food, speech, and music so that we could taste and see how good our God is, so we could hear the voice of the maker of the stars, and so the song of the Lord would dwell within our hearts.
In my secret place with God all I wanted to know was more of His heart.
"God, show me who you are."
"As the butterfly and the bumble bee are specially designed and purposeful, I AM  your creator, your painter, your artist. If they are so beautiful, how much more beautiful will I make you?"
"God show me who you are."
I Love you too much to leave you. I AM faithful. If I was even so faithful to Cain, though he was evil, how much more so will I be to you, my Daughter."
"God, Show me who you are."
"I AM who I say I am. I AM Just, as I will also make you. I AM Mighty. I AM able and willing to do more than you can imagine. Why do you doubt me? My very name brings nations to their knees. I AM a warrior, but for you, my love, I became a lamb."
"God, show me who you are."
"I AM yours. 
I AM your provider. 
I SEE you.
I KNOW you. 
I LOVE you.
Do you know who you are? Do you know whose you are? If you did, it would change your life.
YOU ARE MINE. YOU ARE ADOPTED.   

Will you not be more beautiful than these?

Yeah. So fasting LTE, amazing.

God? Yeah, I know something about Him

I've been reading 1 Peter. Though knowing little about meditating on scripture, the desire to do so is still in my heart. So though I didn't read 5 chapters a day, I feel my reading the same 3 chapters for a few days was pretty awesome. In 1 Peter it talks a lot about the church and trials and struggles and such. So discovering God’s character wasn't  exactly a challenge, it was just different.

            The first words in 1 Peter are some of my favorite. Peter starts his letter with: To God’s elect. Elect: A person chosen by God for favor, salvation, or eternal life. My favorite word of those is chosen. Throughout this book (and the Bible) God blows my mind with how intricate and so insanely well thought out, planned, and executed the Gospel is. God is a planner; he does nothing on a whim or in the heat of the moment. Later on in 1 Peter, he talks about how before the creation of the world Jesus was chosen to be the pure, spotless sacrificial lamb. It blows my mind to think that before Adam and Eve were even created, before the problem was a problem, and before the devil even thought he was special, God was planning. He chose us as His elect according to the foreknowledge of His Awesomeness and through the sanctifying work of the Spirit.

Chosen. I am chosen by God. Those words are so powerful. God took something invisible and made it His own. At first I was no one, but now I am a people belonging to God; a royal priesthood. At first I had not received mercy, but now I have received mercy. God is a redeemer, I was not redeemed by something simple and cheap like silver or gold, but I was redeemed from my empty way of life by blood. By life. He’s a giver, he gave life in exchange for life. And though it makes no sense to me, the planning God of heaven and earth chose, redeemed, and is now building, shaping, and forming me into His spiritual house. My mind is small and feeble and able to understand nothing unless God gives me understanding, but God is showing me how he goes above and beyond, how he does immeasurably more then I can ask or think. Not only was Jesus sent to save us, but to lead us. I knew this in my head, but my heart was still blind to His wonderful light. To this I was called, because Christ suffered for me, leaving me an example, I should follow in His steps. The problem with this is that Jesus’ steps lead him to the grave. Are my steps willing to follow? To this I was called! I better be willing to follow, or Christ died for nothing. Will I follow when I suffer for doing good? To this I was called. Will I follow when I can’t see Him? When I can’t feel Him? To this I was called. Will I follow when I’m tired of the ministry placement God has given me? To this I was called. Will I entrust myself to Him who judges justly? Will I follow when I am harmed for doing good? To this, I was called. For such a time as this. To follow my planning, redeeming, merciful, loving, all-knowing, leader, yes, to this I was called. My faith, which to my King is more precious than gold, will be purified. Through that purification I will be proved genuine and inexpressible and glorious Joy will be mine. To this I was called.

The Art of Productivity

"What's free time again?" asked an HA intern as they trudged into the office an hour early to get homework done, "Oh, you mean Saturday?  Yeah, I think I remember those."

Such is my life.
The.Struggle.Is.Real

 Being blessed to work in the Global Expeditions Call Center, I don't have to be at work until after lunch at 1pm. But the hidden downfall to this is also its biggest blessing. Sleep. B-shifters like me have the glorious opportunity to sleep 'in', as opposed to the early rising, at work at 8:30 A-shifters.  Though sleep is wonderful, it will be your downfall. The average B-shifting intern will wake up either at 9:50 or 10:50 am, so they have just enough time to groggily run to the Auditorium for classes. After class and lunch, you work until 9 at night, and spend the rest of the evening socializing or eating ramen noodles (college life fosho).  

But in my B-shift life I am determined to break the lazy mold. My solution? Wake up early(ier), eat, dress, quiet time, homework, class, lunch, work, eat, work, session (if it applies), read, bed. Pretty packed right? Yep, and this entire week we've had sessions every night from 8 to 10, and on Wednesdays and Fridays I have shattered clay from 10-12 am (yep, late owls indeed). 

Socializing? Friends? Hanging out? What the fat are you talking about? 

Ain't nobody got time for that. 

Such is my life.

The struggle.

In the process of rituals beginning to set into my life (which I hate) and always having things to do, I've realized something: My tight schedule is the best plan ever if I want to be miserable. Though productive in the sense that I'm getting things done, I've become so religious in my schedule that I've isolated myself and sucked the adventure out of this Texas life. I've gotten stale, and watered down. And haven't had the refreshing words of a brother or sister close to me.
The life of an HA intern is busy, but to get through the hectic busyness, God gave us each other. I'm surrounded by 140+ other young people, pursuing God and going through the same things as I. That's such blessing.  I have an amazing family core of 20+ people (the largest on campus) and I barely spend time with them because I'm too busy 'getting things done'. Which of course being focused in itself isn't a bad thing, but to take it so far that the only conversation you have with your sister is about how you haven't seen each other in a few days is a bit sad. 
So my solution? I'm still working on it. But Jesus pursued people as well as His ministry, in fact, people was His ministry. And he's called people to be my ministry as well. He put these awesome people in my life for a reason. So whether it's waking up at 5:40 am to go to the gym with Cassie (which was awesome by the way), doing homework with Franny Fran (one of my favorite people on campus), leaving encouraging notes on my one of my  brother's desks, or staying up a little bit later to join in on the hilarious room conversations, I'm going to master the art of pursuit. Finding the middle ground between the art of productivity and the art of pursuing of people is going to be a journey I know nothing of (I've never had to turn homework in on time in my life...or even pursue friendships very much either for that matter ). But it's adventure time! Let's see how this turns out

P.S I think I almost like coffee now... Pray for me