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We were strangers when we took this picture.
Pale, short haired, blue shirt wearing strangers.
I'd like to see us take it now, 1 year, and 14 days later |
One year and 14 days ago at approximately 1 in the morning, I was crying. Not outwardly, for my tear sacks don't work like that. Its the worst feeling when your crying on the inside but nothing comes out on your face. When all your emotion is trapped inside and there is no way for it to come out. I remember kissing Maria repeatedly and getting her many tears on my face. I remember hugging Zeb not near enough times. At that moment I remembered all the things he said would happen to him that night, I wondered if they were happening, I doubted it. I remember the TM official yelling at us to leave, let them get on their bus and us to go to sleep. His insensitivity was blood boiling. Did he really not know what happened between us the past two months? And then having to say goodbye not knowing whether we would see each other again. I regret something from that night. I wish I had stayed my ground, not impressed by his threats that may not have been idle. I wish I would have seen their bus off, and waved to them as they slowly began the hour and a half journey to the DFW airport. I knew the goodbyes would continue that night, in fact mine and Frankie's turn was next. But as I was shooed out of the pavilion, I just ran back up to my cabin and sat outside on the bench, I looked at the stars and re-lived the past two months in my head. Before I knew it, it was my turn to go to the pavilion and get on my bus. I ran into my cabin and woke up my other team mates, "My bus is here. I ts time for me to go." some of them responded with a sluggish "oooh no" but hardly any of them stirred. It made me laugh, after two months of waking up at 5-6 in the morning, we learned to value our sleep. "Ok," said a currently closed-eyed Misha, " I'll be down there in enough time to say goodbye" I woke a few others and gave a few sleepy hugs, but when I look back now, I would have done so much more. I don't remember having an escort down the lonely road to the pavilion. I got down there to see Frankie, my departing buddie, God, I was so thankful to have him. My memories are scattered at this point, the one thing that sticks out the most is that man just yelling.
Say your goodbyes then leave! No! I don't want them to leave! Please don't leave. I remember quick fleeting hugs from people who meant the most. Hugs that wouldn't satisfy. Hugs that didn't satisfy. Hugs that haven't satisfied. I'm not satisfied, in fact, I'm depressed. I remember the moment I broke. When emotion became too strong and too powerful for my insides to contain. This happens on very few occasions. Mackenzie hugged me. She said, "If there's anything you ever need, I want you to call me. Call me, ok?" I nodded my head on her much smaller shoulder, the tears came, they matched hers. Cassandra came up and hugged me next. Though we scarcely exchanged words the entire two months, I knew I was going to miss her. Then they were gone. Warded off by the officiator of ceremonies. I knew then that I didn't like this man, I very much did not like him. I felt so alone then. Frankie asked "You ok bud?" and I smiled and said "Nope." I wasn't ok. I'm not ok. Holding the non existent tears in then has lead to me letting them out now. I miss my Impossibles.
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[super emo blog post is now over...stay tuned for the next one]
