I am Ok.

The natural response to the question, "How are you?" is "Good." I know this because I work in the service industry where I ask about 100 people that every day. Their response is the same. They then, in turn, ask me how I'm doing. I pause. I think about my next words very carefully. I have no desire to simply respond "Good" and go on to the next person. But answering honestly with "Well, I'm really depressed... I feel like I'm drowning. Thank you for asking, is this your first time at Blueprint?"...might make things a bit awkward. 


The past few years I've discovered that I have been having a pretty intense battle with depression.  I've had some days (weeks) when hopelessness would completely and utterly take over me. When all I could think about was my overwhelming sadness. I felt lost. I felt broken and I didn't know what the cause was. I received no enjoyment from life, only a small subsiding of sadness. Crying sometimes helped, but it's very inconvenient when you work 56 hours a week and your crying time gets pushed back into one 5 hour segment of uncontrollable sobbing. It also worries your boyfriend and your parents a bit. 

I can't say that I'm entirely on the other side of this, but I've realized that the voices that have been telling me to doubt myself, to doubt my worth, to doubt my purpose; the voices that have been draining me of all hope, of all dreams, of all passion...have not been voice of the Holy Spirit, my Comforter. 
It took a long time, but I came to understand that these voices and thoughts were not my own or of those I love. I have been knocked down countless times, but I am not destroyed. I have been drained of all strength at times, but I am not overcome. I will slip and I will fall, but I will rise. 
He is the strength of my heart and my portion. He is my protector and the One who fights for me and with me. He trains my hands for battle and fortifies my knees. His purpose for me will not be undone. Amen. 

This struggle has left me unable to talk to you. I've been unable to reach out to you. I've not been able to text you back, to return your call (or answer in the first place), to hang out when I know I should, or to love you as I've been wanting to. 
Thank you for loving me and for pursuing me. 
Right now I'm sitting in a laundromat looking through the super clean windows at the trees, the sun, my car, the blue sky... I'm listening to The Tribe of Benjamin's rendition of 'Your Love is Extravagant' and writing this post to let you that I'm okay. And with the Grace and Faithfulness of God, I will be better than Ok. 

Suh dude. 

This picture is one of my all time favorites...
but it has nothing to do with this post.
 I just like having pictures to go along with things...
Taken by my hot home-boy, Wesley