2013. The year of late night crying sessions, late night jam sessions, late night 'I need you Jesus' sessions, late night movie watching, late night best friend conversations, late night prayer sessions...pretty much the year of late nights.

But I can honestly say I've never felt more alive in my life. I will remember this year forever. No, I never know what day or date it is (I had to be reminded 4 times that today was news years eve), but I know where I'm supposed to be. And in that, God is showing me who He created me to be. And in that is Freedom. Is Life.

I took this picture of my future from the past. But now it's the present

Thanksgivingggggg

 I went to Austin!! I ate an awesome taco. I watched disturbia (and it was disturbing). I realized I don't completely stink at volleyball. I got licked in the face by a dog. I realized that I do completely stink at foosball (it was really embarrassing). I'm rusty at gin rummy. I'm getting better at egyptian rat screw. I have a very sassy side. I can be very introverted. I'm the least hospitable person I've ever met. I officially had a conversation with the guy I sit next to in class. And some people who used to mean so very much to me are slipping away and I don't know how to change it.

My usual solution to problems with friends is to simply be honest. But how much honesty can you have before people think you're trying to guilt trip them? 
If time equals relationship, then lack of time means lack of relationship, ya? Well what about the awkward time you spend you together? Or the conversations that you wish never happened simply because in those conversations you both realized that things are different now? Do those times redefine or deteriorate the relationship?
Take my Best friend for example. We used to talk everyday though we haven't seen each other in 2 + years. But now our conversations are how they were before we knew each other and when I secretly wanted to kill him. How long can you try to revive a conversation before the dead horse starts to stink? After a while I get annoyed even with my own efforts at trying to keep things going. 
When the tables are turned though it's always a pleasure to see how much of my conversational habits have rubbed off on him. But those times are seldom. 
For what it's worth, I miss you, and I know things won't be the same, but I wish they were at least better than they are now. But It takes two to tango, which is illegal for the next 9 months of my life, so instead... it takes two to ride a two person bike.

Now that that's off my chest...Thanksgiving was wonderful. Obviously there's no place like home, but The Dayton's is a fantastic second. Mr and Mrs. Dayton are awesome people who made me feel at home. They have perfected that art with great ease through foster parenting. 
Becoming a foster parent is one of the only desires I have in life (thus far).
I want to my home to be a refuge for those who are hurting. 
To be a warm and lovely bed and breakfast on a hill (as opposed to a full out city). 
To be a bed for the cold and weary traveler. 
A place for those who have no money to come, buy, and eat.
I want people to leave my bed and breakfast knowing about the Lover of their souls. 
I'm not talking like a literal bed and breakfast, but I'm sure you get the point. 
The Dayton's house is a lot like that. Their house is the one where you just walk in and no one bats an eye. It's like "yo, whaddup. you hungry?"
I want that. Whether or not I get married, I want to be that person. I want to be like my own mumzy and have children everywhere. Atheist children, indian children, black children, white children, adult children, actual children, biological children...
It's really weird though, because honestly, I don't know how to love people very well. And I don't know how to get close to people, I feel awkward and weird (though supposedly I disguise it well). So pretty much the one thing I want to do, I know I can't do... on my own 


Bring it on   

LTE

Last weekend we had a Life Transforming Event (LTE) where we solely sought the face of our Maker for three days.
Awesome right? Yeah, well it was. We fasted from food, speech, and music so that we could taste and see how good our God is, so we could hear the voice of the maker of the stars, and so the song of the Lord would dwell within our hearts.
In my secret place with God all I wanted to know was more of His heart.
"God, show me who you are."
"As the butterfly and the bumble bee are specially designed and purposeful, I AM  your creator, your painter, your artist. If they are so beautiful, how much more beautiful will I make you?"
"God show me who you are."
I Love you too much to leave you. I AM faithful. If I was even so faithful to Cain, though he was evil, how much more so will I be to you, my Daughter."
"God, Show me who you are."
"I AM who I say I am. I AM Just, as I will also make you. I AM Mighty. I AM able and willing to do more than you can imagine. Why do you doubt me? My very name brings nations to their knees. I AM a warrior, but for you, my love, I became a lamb."
"God, show me who you are."
"I AM yours. 
I AM your provider. 
I SEE you.
I KNOW you. 
I LOVE you.
Do you know who you are? Do you know whose you are? If you did, it would change your life.
YOU ARE MINE. YOU ARE ADOPTED.   

Will you not be more beautiful than these?

Yeah. So fasting LTE, amazing.

God? Yeah, I know something about Him

I've been reading 1 Peter. Though knowing little about meditating on scripture, the desire to do so is still in my heart. So though I didn't read 5 chapters a day, I feel my reading the same 3 chapters for a few days was pretty awesome. In 1 Peter it talks a lot about the church and trials and struggles and such. So discovering God’s character wasn't  exactly a challenge, it was just different.

            The first words in 1 Peter are some of my favorite. Peter starts his letter with: To God’s elect. Elect: A person chosen by God for favor, salvation, or eternal life. My favorite word of those is chosen. Throughout this book (and the Bible) God blows my mind with how intricate and so insanely well thought out, planned, and executed the Gospel is. God is a planner; he does nothing on a whim or in the heat of the moment. Later on in 1 Peter, he talks about how before the creation of the world Jesus was chosen to be the pure, spotless sacrificial lamb. It blows my mind to think that before Adam and Eve were even created, before the problem was a problem, and before the devil even thought he was special, God was planning. He chose us as His elect according to the foreknowledge of His Awesomeness and through the sanctifying work of the Spirit.

Chosen. I am chosen by God. Those words are so powerful. God took something invisible and made it His own. At first I was no one, but now I am a people belonging to God; a royal priesthood. At first I had not received mercy, but now I have received mercy. God is a redeemer, I was not redeemed by something simple and cheap like silver or gold, but I was redeemed from my empty way of life by blood. By life. He’s a giver, he gave life in exchange for life. And though it makes no sense to me, the planning God of heaven and earth chose, redeemed, and is now building, shaping, and forming me into His spiritual house. My mind is small and feeble and able to understand nothing unless God gives me understanding, but God is showing me how he goes above and beyond, how he does immeasurably more then I can ask or think. Not only was Jesus sent to save us, but to lead us. I knew this in my head, but my heart was still blind to His wonderful light. To this I was called, because Christ suffered for me, leaving me an example, I should follow in His steps. The problem with this is that Jesus’ steps lead him to the grave. Are my steps willing to follow? To this I was called! I better be willing to follow, or Christ died for nothing. Will I follow when I suffer for doing good? To this I was called. Will I follow when I can’t see Him? When I can’t feel Him? To this I was called. Will I follow when I’m tired of the ministry placement God has given me? To this I was called. Will I entrust myself to Him who judges justly? Will I follow when I am harmed for doing good? To this, I was called. For such a time as this. To follow my planning, redeeming, merciful, loving, all-knowing, leader, yes, to this I was called. My faith, which to my King is more precious than gold, will be purified. Through that purification I will be proved genuine and inexpressible and glorious Joy will be mine. To this I was called.

The Art of Productivity

"What's free time again?" asked an HA intern as they trudged into the office an hour early to get homework done, "Oh, you mean Saturday?  Yeah, I think I remember those."

Such is my life.
The.Struggle.Is.Real

 Being blessed to work in the Global Expeditions Call Center, I don't have to be at work until after lunch at 1pm. But the hidden downfall to this is also its biggest blessing. Sleep. B-shifters like me have the glorious opportunity to sleep 'in', as opposed to the early rising, at work at 8:30 A-shifters.  Though sleep is wonderful, it will be your downfall. The average B-shifting intern will wake up either at 9:50 or 10:50 am, so they have just enough time to groggily run to the Auditorium for classes. After class and lunch, you work until 9 at night, and spend the rest of the evening socializing or eating ramen noodles (college life fosho).  

But in my B-shift life I am determined to break the lazy mold. My solution? Wake up early(ier), eat, dress, quiet time, homework, class, lunch, work, eat, work, session (if it applies), read, bed. Pretty packed right? Yep, and this entire week we've had sessions every night from 8 to 10, and on Wednesdays and Fridays I have shattered clay from 10-12 am (yep, late owls indeed). 

Socializing? Friends? Hanging out? What the fat are you talking about? 

Ain't nobody got time for that. 

Such is my life.

The struggle.

In the process of rituals beginning to set into my life (which I hate) and always having things to do, I've realized something: My tight schedule is the best plan ever if I want to be miserable. Though productive in the sense that I'm getting things done, I've become so religious in my schedule that I've isolated myself and sucked the adventure out of this Texas life. I've gotten stale, and watered down. And haven't had the refreshing words of a brother or sister close to me.
The life of an HA intern is busy, but to get through the hectic busyness, God gave us each other. I'm surrounded by 140+ other young people, pursuing God and going through the same things as I. That's such blessing.  I have an amazing family core of 20+ people (the largest on campus) and I barely spend time with them because I'm too busy 'getting things done'. Which of course being focused in itself isn't a bad thing, but to take it so far that the only conversation you have with your sister is about how you haven't seen each other in a few days is a bit sad. 
So my solution? I'm still working on it. But Jesus pursued people as well as His ministry, in fact, people was His ministry. And he's called people to be my ministry as well. He put these awesome people in my life for a reason. So whether it's waking up at 5:40 am to go to the gym with Cassie (which was awesome by the way), doing homework with Franny Fran (one of my favorite people on campus), leaving encouraging notes on my one of my  brother's desks, or staying up a little bit later to join in on the hilarious room conversations, I'm going to master the art of pursuit. Finding the middle ground between the art of productivity and the art of pursuing of people is going to be a journey I know nothing of (I've never had to turn homework in on time in my life...or even pursue friendships very much either for that matter ). But it's adventure time! Let's see how this turns out

P.S I think I almost like coffee now... Pray for me

Where have I been?

I MOVED TO TEXAS!!!!! And boy has it been an adventure. Before my internship at the Honor Academy started, I volunteered on the Teen Mania campus for two months where I've done everything from re-decorating, to serving food, to cleaning, cutting, taping, selling, praying, and facilitating paintball. Through all of this and all of the relationships I formed this summer, God has put a bigger desire in my heart to know Him and to know His heart. Thankfully as an intern here at the Honor Academy, that's what we are pursuing. Through a series of wondrous classes, the receptive heart is shown God's general plan for all of his followers, and daily we have the opportunity to live it out in our ministry placements and communion with each other. 
In addition to classes, ministry placements, and encountering the Living God, we recently had our first LTE (Life Transforming Event) called 'The Anvil'. During The Anvil, we were pushed physically and mentally so God could build us spiritually. We let God mold us as we stopped focusing on our own shortcomings or achievements and started encouraging one another and speaking life. We let God give us the strength to either slow down and watch for one another or to push further than we thought we could. During the Anvil LTE God showed me things that are in me that he longs to get rid of. My amazing team learned that quoting and believing scripture, praying constantly over each other and leaving no one behind is where the victory comes. Such is life. Where there is unity, God commands a blessing. We started as one and we finished as one. 

Well thats just an update on me :)

In addition to using this blog to keep you updated (though if anyone still reads this blog I'll be very shocked), I'll also be using it to post my papers for Character Development class. Whaddup.

One of my summer adventures!

End of Anvil paint fight celebration! (we have a lot of paint fights here)

If you are able to donate to my internship and keep me at the Honor Academy, go online to honoracademy.com/donate my intern number is 2612849. Donations are greatly appreciated! 
  

Her Freedom

Could the maker of the stars hear the sound of my breakin' heart? One light, that's all I am right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are won't You come close and hold my heart

Then He whispered in her ear, "Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you."
The tears then broke from her locked eyelids and fell with her chains. "I love you." was all she could get out of her quivering lips, "hold me. Please hold me."

His light threw the everlasting confusion into a whirlwind abyss. His light flooded her eyes and shook her bones. His light held her suspended in the air  where the darkness could not touch her. But there was one thing missing; her choice. Her choice to turn away everything she once welcomed. Her choice to choose the things that made her uncomfortable. Her choice to put herself last, to become the least of these with no complaint. Her choice was impossible. She knew she couldn't do it. She didn't know if she wanted to. But she knew she needed to.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior. My Savior. You saved me. I will call upon your name, keep my eyes above the waves. My soul will rest in your embrace. I am yours and you are Mine." 

The prayer emanated from her spirit. The demons around were blinded by the power of the choice that enabled her freedom. Her freedom. Her freedom. 

It Is Finished 

I am Yours and You are Mine.